- Have a clear sense of what your fantasies are about what you are trying to achieve before talking to your partner.
- Tell your partner what you enjoy about your current sex life. This strategy is called ‘Appreciative Inquiry’ and instead of identifying problems and solving them, starts by celebrating what does work and ask: how can we make things even better? Share your fantasy or the desired new ingredient for your sexual repertoire
- Ask about your partner’s ideas and personal fantasies
- When discussing difficult subjects – especially when we fear rejection – it is easy to hear an outright NO when our partner means MAYBE or YES but with reservations.
- Accept that your partner will have different fantasies and just because yours and his or hers are not identical, is not a catastrophe. Give each other the benefit of the doubt when something is unclear or uncertain and keep talking.
- Be flexible. Your fantasy does not have to be realised 100 per cent. Maybe your partner’s reservations will prompt a rethink and promote ideas which could be even more satisfying.
Andrew’s new book Make Love Like A Prairie Vole (Bloomsbury, £12.99) is out now www.andrewgmarshall.com