Are male friendships better than female friendships? Are friendships gender dependent?
Can one decide one way or the other? Let’s begin by talking about male friendships first. I have a close friend, who is around five to six years elder to me and is working at a high post in a reputed company. We meet every time he swings by my town. I know him to be a gentle, fun-loving person, who can as easily talk about the comic timing of Paresh Rawal as the collapse of the American healthcare system.
We met once at an opening of a club. We both had a few drinks. On the way back we somehow ended up talking about relationships. That’s when he got into it. He started saying things like he is already 37 and hasn’t found a companion yet. I still hadn’t gauged the gravity of the situation. He spoke some more about how tired he was waiting to find love. That life hasn’t been kind to him. That all his friends are in love or getting married or having children, but somehow he has been left alone, stranded. I was trying to keep the mood light and kept telling him he is a great person and sooner or later he will find The One.
The shocker came when he started to cry, not mere sniffling, but real big tears started flowing from his eyes. I didn’t know what to do. If it were a woman, I’d hug her, but what do you when a grown ass man starts to weep? I tentatively moved my hand and tapped gently on his lap. He held it. Tightly. When we finally got off, he hugged me again. It was possibly the most awkward car journey in a long time. However, the next day I called in to check if he was doing fine, but he didn’t pick my call.
We met often after that, but we never brought up the incident ever again. I think one of the special features of a male friendship, is the space we give the other person. I figured he was embarrassed to break down in front of me like that. I figured he didn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t press him. However, if it had been a woman, she wouldn’t shut up until her friend “opened” her heart.
Our friendships may seem shallow, or cold. We may come across as people who don’t care. We may not show it like women do, but we care, too, in our own way. One of the good things about our friendships is that we don’t need to talk about everything under the sun. Our friendships are about drinking beers, watching action movies, road trips, a game of arm wrestling, a little show of physique, some teasing, dirty jokes, and a lot of talk laced with bravado. We are perfectly okay if we don’t know what each other’s favourite colours are. We’re okay if we don’t know about their childhood, or their biggest fears. All matters to us mostly is living for the moment. We’re perfectly fine if we don’t know each other’s personal thoughts or emotional quotient. But we’d stand by them at a moment’s notice. Our weakest link could be the entry of a woman in the group. Then the competition might just heat up. I think barring that flaw, we’re really okay.
Our friendships might not be as intense or open, (however, ‘3 Idiots’ (the film) defies that) but we are just as close. We might come across as being insensitive sometimes (case in point: Aamir Khan’s jab at Akshaye Khanna’s choice of woman in Dil Chahta Hai), but it was said in jest. Our relationships are more stable as they are as emotionally volatile as female friendships. There are no dramas, there is no excessive competition.
I have this other friend I have known for almost six years now. We’re close but not close at the same time. When we are going through a tough time at work, we counselled each other, and that helped. We might not share everything with each other, but what we share is sort of enough for us. It works. I have helped him several times: financially or in other ways and so has he. I even helped him write all his essays for the business schools he was applying to. Now he is flying next month to the States for two years to study. He might not come back, ever. Today is his last day in Pune. In fact, I’ll be meeting him in the evening. I am sad that he’s leaving. I am happy for him, no doubt, but I am not happy with the fact that I won’t get to see him often. It is believed that men really don’t care about such things, because a man has got to do what he’s got to do, right? But I care. His leaving is affecting me, but I can live with it. In conclusion, I guess friendships, in a way, are subjective. It might not be gender specific or gender driven. Maybe it comes down to how we are as people. (mensxp, special features)
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